When Big Feelings Have No Words: Supporting Emotional Regulation in Young Children

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Understanding Tantrums in Young Children

If your child has ever cried, screamed, or collapsed into a meltdown without being able to explain why, you are not alone – and neither are they.

It is important that parents (all adults) understand that tantrums are not bad behavior. They are purely a child’s way of communicating overwhelming feelings.

For young children, especially under the age of 8, emotional regulation is still developing. They often feel deeply before they can express themselves clearly.

Why Children Have Tantrums (The Science Behind It)

From a developmental perspective, young children:

Experience intense emotions
Have limited vocabulary to describe those emotions
Lack a fully developed prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain responsible for regulation and reasoning)

This means that the body is the first to react when emotions become overwhelming, which often translates to crying, shouting, or physical outbursts.

According to child development research, emotional regulation is a skill that is learned through relationships and co-regulation, not something children can manage independently at a young age (Center on the Developing Child, Harvard University, 2020).

A Respectful Parenting Approach

When adults stay grounded, children feel safe enough to move through their emotions. This process known as co-regulation, is when a calm adult helps a child return to emotional balance.

Author and advocate for respectful parenting, Janet Lansbury emphasises that, “Children are not giving us a hard time; they are having a hard time.” She believes emotional outbursts to be healthy releases of stress and teaches parents that their role is to remain calm, present, and supportive

Why Children Can’t Always “Use Their Words”

Parents, even teachers, often encourage children to “use your words”, something that during a meltdown, is just not possible.

When a child is overwhelmed:

The emotional brain (limbic system) takes over
Logical thinking and language temporarily shut down
The body enters a stress response (fight, flight, or freeze)

This is why a child may:

Hit instead of explain
Cry instead of communicate
Run away instead of respond

It is so important to understand this so that our response moves from frustration to empathy.

Behaviour as Communication

When we not only understand but believe that behaviour is a form of communication, we can try and look for the underlying cause and how this is causing stress, which can feel quite traumatic for young children. Children may experience stress from:

Transitions (e.g., leaving school or the playground)
Sensory overload (noise, crowds, stimulation)
Fatigue or hunger
Feeling misunderstood or disconnected

These stressors can activate the central nervous system, leading to emotional outbursts.

The Role of Sensory Input in Emotional Regulation

One of the most effective ways to support children through big emotions is through sensory regulation. Knowing that the body is the first to respond, the body must calm before the brain can think. Bodywork or Sensory Integration through a trauma-informed lens is a strategy that offers simple and accessible solutions to ‘feed’ a child’s nervous system and achieve a calm or alert state of arousal.

Sensory experiences help regulate the nervous system by:

Reducing stress hormones
Providing physical outlets for emotional energy
Helping the brain reorganise and reset

Practical Strategies for Parents: What To Do During a Tantrum

1. Stay Calm and Present

Your calm presence is the most powerful tool.

Try:

“I’m here with you.”
“You’re safe.”

Avoid reacting with urgency or frustration, as this can escalate the situation.

2. Acknowledge the Feeling (While Holding Boundaries)

You can validate emotions without allowing unsafe behaviour:

“You’re feeling angry. I won’t let you hit.”
“You didn’t want to leave. That’s really hard.”

3. Reduce Language During the Meltdown

When children are overwhelmed:

Use fewer words
Speak slowly and softly
Focus on connection, not explanation

4. Support Regulation Through Sensory Input

After (or during) the peak of the meltdown, offer:

Movement

Jumping, running, climbing
Pushing or pulling objects

Deep Pressure

A firm hug (if welcomed)
Wrapping in a blanket
Carrying heavy objects

Rhythmic Input

Rocking or swinging
Breathing together

Tactile Play

Water, sand, or playdough

These inputs help restore balance in the central nervous system.

5. Build Emotional Language Outside the Moment

When your child is calm:

Name feelings: “That felt frustrating.”
Read books about emotions
Model your own emotional expression

Over time, children develop the ability to express instead of act out.

What to Avoid

To support healthy emotional development, try to avoid:

Punishing emotional expression
Forcing a child to “calm down” instantly
Over-explaining during distress
Taking the behaviour personally

These responses can increase stress and delay regulation.

Long-Term Benefits

By responding with empathy and consistency, you help your child:

Develop emotional intelligence
Build resilience
Feel safe expressing themselves
Strengthen their relationship with you

This is not about stopping tantrums quickly, it is about teaching lifelong emotional skills which are essential for school-readiness. Children need sound emotional dispositions in order to learn.

When a child cannot find the words, their behaviour speaks for them.

At E-Maison International Pre-School, we believe that every emotional outburst is an opportunity:

To connect
To understand
To support

And ultimately, to help children grow into emotionally secure, confident individuals.

References

Lansbury, J. (2014). Elevating child care: A guide to respectful parenting. Janet Lansbury.

Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University. (2020). Serve and return interaction shapes brain circuitry. https://developingchild.harvard.edu

Perry, B. D., & Szalavitz, M. (2006). The boy who was raised as a dog: And other stories from a child psychiatrist’s notebook. Basic Books.

Shonkoff, J. P., & Phillips, D. A. (Eds.). (2000). From neurons to neighborhoods: The science of early childhood development. National Academy Press.

Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2011). The whole-brain child: 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your child’s developing mind. Delacorte Press